November, 2008


Time is tight this time of year for the candidates competing for executive office. Last-minute pleas and positioning can consume more hours than there are in a day.


So how is it that this humble reporter was able to gather all four major presidential and vice-presidential candidates together for a sit-down at the same time? Call it good karma – that, and a killer pot of coffee and some bitchin’ scones. Politicians are suckers for a scone, it turns out.


Following is a transcription of the discussion that took place:


PULP: “First of all, thanks to each of you for taking time out of your busy schedule. I know you’re very busy –“


Biden: “What the hell is that supposed to mean, you little punk? Are you looking for a fight?”


PULP: “Not al all, Senator. I was just thanking you for your time.”


Biden: “Oh, OK. I thought you said something about my mother. Proceed.”


PULP: “Senator McCain, we’ll start with you.”


McCain: “Fire away, cowboy.”


PULP: “It’s been suggested by some pundits that you tend to change positions on issues based on what is politically expedient. Do you care to respond to that claim?”


McCain: “Yes I would.”


PULP: “Great. Any time you’re ready.”


McCain: “What was the question?”


PULP: “Maybe we’ll come back to you. Senator Obama, some of your detractors have implied that you tend to speak over the heads of the American public. How do you feel about that?”


Obama: “Much like Osiris did in the fourth century when Theodosius’ influence became the status quo.”


PULP: “Excuse me?”


Obama: “Let me put it more simply for you. It’s kind of like being the only male witness to the early bacchanalia. You know what I mean?”


PULP: “Not at all.”


Obama: “You disappoint me.”


PULP: “Governor Palin –“


Palin: “That’s Vice President Palin.”


PULP: “But you haven’t been elected yet.”


Palin: “But I will be. God told me so.” Governor Palin reaches for the last scone.


Biden: “You may be a girl, but if you touch that, I’ll break every finger in your friggin’ hand.” 


Obama: “Come on, Joe.  Let’s not perseverate into one of your perorations.”


McCain: “Was that English?”


PULP: “I think Senator Obama was just trying to get Senator Biden to calm down.”


McCain: “Who the hell are you?”


PULP: “I’m the reporter conducting this interview.”


McCain: “What was the question?”


Palin: “For God’s sake, John, he hasn’t asked you anything.”


McCain: “Yeah, what do you know? You’re just the governor of some piss-ant state up by the Arctic Circle. Go hunt some caribou or whatever it is you people do up there.”


PULP: “Senator, Governor Palin is your running mate.”


McCain: “Right, good one. Am I being punked here?”


PULP: “No sir. You picked her just before the RNC.”


McCain: “Why did I do that?”


Palin: “Because of my record as a reformer, remember?”


McCain: “This, coming from the woman who oversaw the largest per-capita earmarks for any state in the union.”


Palin: “But what about the Bridge to Nowhere? I said ‘thanks but no thanks,’ remember?”


PULP: “After the federal government pulled their support for the project.”


McCain: “Yeah, Sandra. Chew on that.”


Palin: “It’s Sarah, you moron, and we’re on the same side.”


McCain: “What was the question?”


PULP: “Senator Biden, do you care to address the remarks attributed to you in the New York Observer about Senator Obama, where you described him as an ‘articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy’?”


Biden: “Well, he does have outstanding hygiene habits. Go on, give him a sniff.”


Obama: “Joe, I really don’t think –“


Biden: “Is that lavender? I think it’s lavender. Or maybe Patchouli.”


PULP: “The thing is, Senator, that some folks have suggested it was an implicitly racist comment.”


Obama: “Joe, please get your nose out of my armpit.”


Biden: “Me? Racist? Do you think I’d stick my nose in a black man’s armpit if I was racist?”


PULP: “I don’t know, senator.”


Biden: “Why don’t you move on to another question, son, before I remove your skull from your body and make it my own portable outhouse?”


PULP: “Senator Obama, you continue to have to address concerns about your perceived lack of experience. Does this concern you?”


Obama: “Not at all. I mean, look at Tzipi Livni. People have been saying the same thing about him.”


PULP: “Who?”


McCain: “Yeah, who?”


Obama: “The Kadima party leader in Israel.”


Palin: “I can see Israel from my house in Alaska.”


PULP: “Don’t you mean Russia?”


Obama: “I’m surrounded by simpletons.”


Biden: “You call me that again and I’ll take you out back and rearrange your family tree.”


McCain: “What was the question?”


PULP: “Never mind. Thank you all for your time.”